i guess this week and the following two weeks will be extremely stressful, those high mental tensions testing my limits. its not easy trying to cope with so many things. really. somehow getting distracted by the reminiscences of syf practices, syf competition and the outing we have had last friday. and then suddenly seniors saying goodbye to us and as the better violinist or violist we have to take over as the section leader. then there's mid year of course. but the distraction simply did not come at the right time. its like when you try to forget about this. the next horrifying thing appear. it scares the hell out of me, getting those horriphilation that i do not want. homeworks are stacking continuously. all 2008 mid year papers given right at once. its not as though we're not given the time to do. but its the fatigue that make us want to neglect it. and it goes on accumulating. it doesn't help when you keep thinking of someone. someone who recently have such a great impact on you. hearing the name and seeing her is just like an antidote that can counteract a poison. but once shes gone, the intense and painful feeling of fear comes back to haunt you. just can't put this feeling behind and think of my studies. even when i goes to bed, the hysteria continue to bombard my mind. even went 4 hours lying on bed from 12am to 4am, couldn't sleep, feeling helpless.
in class, you don't see me talking and playing with yixiong and junyuan like before. you don't get the sociable and gregarious side of me. if i look happy or whatsoever. then i must be pretending to be. i thought sunday is the only emo day for me. but now monday has become one too. and in time to come, who knows, maybe the entire week. this is just an emotional post. just hope that no one will be like me.